This day I talked to many people again in line.
I talked to Michael who was a re-performer upstairs performing Imponderabilia.
It was very interesting to hear his perspective on the piece. This piece was always amazing to me but it was starting to annoy me because it felt like almost every time I mentioned the exhibit, many people would say something like “oh with the naked people in the doorway?” and while in the press and while I was upstairs that piece seemed to get the most attention. I started to resent the fact that that piece was getting the most attention. I felt like there were so many pieces in the exhibit and people were mostly just talking about people being naked and debased this piece down to just naked people in a doorway with no meaning to it. The way Michael explained it to me completely put the piece back into a piece I really loved. Reminding me of the many aspects to it. Also making me realize how hard it must be to do that piece. People are constantly bumping into you, you must stand still, and if people don’t walk past you, it gets incredibly cold!
The line got crazy before we even entered the exhibit and people were being very competitive and aggressive. I hated the environment. Many people were pushing, some people even fell down, I luckily was able to be in front of the line without pushing. Once we got up to the second floor, me and some others tried to reestablish the line and pull up the first few people in the line that formed outside who were left behind in all the aggression. Some people got upset but I felt it wasn’t fair for people who waited for so long outside to be pushed back simply because maybe they were not aggressive or got pushed back.
After we all settled in the line we saw that Marisa Tomei was sitting before we ran in.
Many people I knew and Marina was familiar with from the exhibit were with me in line. Paco who I became familiar with was in line
and Ananda who I have seen so many times but never was able to talk to was there. It was so nice to hear her story and be able to talk to her.
I was right after her in line and her sitting was so beautiful. It almost moved me to tears just simply watching it. Click here to read more about Ananda’s sitting.
When it was my turn I was very unsure. It was hard for me to get into a timeless state I had in my 3rd sitting. I was nervous that it was going to be my last sitting. I think because of how it was in my sitting before this one, so short and perfect, I was unsure about this sitting.
I was thinking too much before and even during my sitting. What if this is my last sitting? How can I make it good? How long should I sit? What is Marina thinking? Does Marina want me here for a long or short time? plus many more thoughts streaming through my mind
I also think the whole tension with the line while everyone was running and fighting to get in front made me really uncomfortable with the audience and with myself in that space.
Even though all of that was going on and I was thinking so much once I sat, I was just so happy to be there. She recognized me and I think really enjoyed seeing me. I felt I was able to be very calming after she sat with Ananda which was a very emotional sitting for both of them.
I felt a strong sense of recognition between us.
I then at one point of the sitting got really nervous and got an urge to stand up. That has never happened to me before, I usually had to force myself to get up, I never wanted to really. But for some reason an anxiety came over me and I felt I had to stand up. So I did. When I stopped I almost felt her thinking why are you stopping? you should have sat longer! which might just be me making up what she was thinking. But even if it was just me feeling that, as soon as I got up I felt sad that I didn’t stay for longer. I was really sad I didn’t. I had a fear that this would be my last sitting. Thankfully it wasn’t but it was the last sitting that I would be able to stay as long as I would like.
Now when I look back I realize at sometimes it was really hard to just let things flow and then other times it was so effortless to just forget about everything. I had so many regrets, and even now constantly regrets go through me mind but I have learned not to regret any of it. No regrets. Not even regretting that I have/had regrets.